Day 12: Progress Report Wrap-up

It's one of those days where your brain takes a break and won't come back easily!

Anyway I managed to get a few things done: progress report in Thai language that I had to prepare for the National Research Council of Thailand, the special update I prepare for my advisors and I even finished tidied up one bookshelf, a Japanese language studies.

I guess the reason my brain simply would not co-operate is because my lack of sleep! Last night I could not bring myself to sleep and I managed only 2 and a half hours before waking up at my usual time! Then I somehome dragged myself on all day. Now it's almost 2:30 of another day. I can't understand myself sometimes. My body is tired, but when I want to go to sleep, I can't. The brain simply would not shut down. And to think that I DID meditate yesterday already!

Today actually I planned to do a speed-reading on a Thai textbook called Sociology of Religion. It's easier to do speed-reading in your native language of course. Yesterday I flipped through it quickly already once and noticed they have something on Phenomenology that was interesting.

I also read a bit more on Phenomenology today, from the thickest book in my house, something like the Library's Refrerence-Sized Encyclopedia of Sociology. I guess it's around 900++ pages. It's from U.K. Luckily Phenomenology doesn't sound as bad in this book as ethnography! Strange... Looking at all those arguments, I guess those academia did spend a lot of time arguing on abstract ideas that don't mean much to me. How I wish I could tell them that there are many things more important in life, such a mindfulness training! If only they could learn of their real sufferings! May be they would stop their pointless arguments altogether!

I think the real reason I'm struggling so long is I was trying to find some theory that I would really believe in! I think to do a Ph.D., you really have to have a passion in every single detail of your study. I mean, I can't defend my work half-heartedly, can I? It's a like a soldier going to war. I remember a line from a Hollywood movie, Robin Hood. "Is this worth dying for?"

Well, so far, not yet. But lately I have been pretty excited about Transformational Leadership Theory. Because, for the first time, I feel this kind of leader is similar to Lord Buddha, my true hero. It might be strange for other people who has not practiced mindfulness meditation and get to "know" Lord Buddha as I did. Well, I didn't get to know him personally either. All I know is he was a man, a great one. What he discovered was really difficult to practice, but yields immense benefit, even for starters like me. And the more I practiced what he taught, the more I become inspired by him. Have I been transformed? I guess so. Not in a big way yet, but I think I have found all the answer I need in life. I have found the peace within. But I guess I could not use the internal experience as the bibliography for my dissertation!